![]() ![]() Keep it tucked into your diary, or have it saved on your phone. Put the list somewhere you can see it every morning. This might be 15 minutes of mindfulness, eating a good portion of fruit and vegetables, writing in a journal, always remembering to take your medication. Make a list of things that you’d like to start doing everyday. Because life is better when you feel in control, when you back your own actions and don’t feel ashamed. Honestly, if I hadn’t done it myself, then I’m sure I’d still be convinced it wasn’t possible. I know as well as any fuck-up who’s in the process of recovery that stopping and changing course part-way through a spree of fucking up is a very, very hard thing to do. Contrary to what a lot of women’s magazines would have us believe, self-care at its best and most effective is often miles away from online shopping and giving yourself a homemade facial with an ostrich egg and half a banana. ![]() What now? Well, to really move forward you’ll have to learn where to draw the line between what counts as you taking care of yourself, and what is avoidance. You want to make better choices, and to be able to self-identify as something other than “big stupid terrible decision maker”. You know that what you’re doing isn’t working, and you’re ready to change. But these are prime examples of the kind of care that you – and the rest of us – need to practice if we want to stand any chance of surviving on this here planet. Doing all of the dishes and paying your bills is not a fun time, nor is it a sexy time. Changing your bedsheets before they start growing new bedsheet babies isn’t indulgent. Looking inwards, addressing your issues, and finding sensible solutions isn’t comfortable. ![]() It is a lot of work to be a person, and it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed, and desperate for a quick hit of delicious comfort. You’re quite an avoidant person, and you’re more than a little bit spooked by life, like a horse would be if you asked it to pay taxes and find meaningful relationships whilst also keeping up with ever-changing eyebrow fashions. So my question is: how do I balance tough love with gentleness? How do I work on my broken brain in a constructive way, without discouraging myself and destroying any hope of getting better? I want to nurture and learn the side of self-care that involves taking care of my future and my security and my mental health. I know that self-care is obviously very important, but I was wondering if you have any advice on the side of self-care that isn’t just candles and bath bombs and buying every lipstick in sight. I think I indulge myself and make bad choices because of the immediate gratification of it. I desperately want to break this cycle, and stop hurting myself over and over, but I know this would require some very tough self-love – something I’m not convinced I know how to do. After I’ve made the first bad decision, I then commit to making more terrible decisions, in a kind of self-destructive cycle. I consistently make terrible decisions – decisions that fuck me up in the long term. ![]()
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